Why You Shouldn’t Buy the New Harry Potter Game

Featured image description: The default featured image for Trans Autistic Feminist blogposts, with a pink background on the left and blog logo on the right. The white text on the left says the blog title “Why You Shouldn’t Buy the New Harry Potter Game.” The smaller text says “(aka Hogwarts: Legacy)”.

CW: J . K Rowling, transphobia, terfs, fascism, nazis, conversion therapy mention, murder (real and fictional)

Hi all, 

Recently, during the 16th September PlayStation 5 digital livestream event, a long-rumoured game set in the Harry Potter universe was finally announced. Hogwarts: Legacy is an open-world RPG game set in the world of Hogwarts where the player is a blank slate protagonist who carves out their legacy. It sounds pretty promising on paper if you aren’t aware of the broader context of the author. In practice, this announcement only serves to boost a bigoted author who has gradually revealed her bigotry over time. The gender-critical movement (aka one of many arms of the far right). has radicalised J K Rowling.

I don’t have the energy or ability to dig into much of Rowling’s history myself and explain it all to you. I try not to address such crap especially given my situation (hence why there is almost no reference of the said author on my site, and I may be somewhat sloppy in this post because of the stress). But I will include a summary. 

A summary of gender critical feminism’s harmful aims

This situation is incredibly distressing for trans people like myself for many reasons. Gender critical hate speech has the ultimate goal of rolling back rights for all women and LGBT people, but they start with trans people.

  • wrongly imply our existence is a danger to cis women and children,
  • wrongly claim that we are predators and cross-dressing fetishists
  • advocate putting us into single-gender spaces matching our assigned sex at both (and will be dangerous for trans people)
  • barring us from sports, domestic violence refuges and inclusive healthcare
  • advocate “watchful waiting” for medical transition (especially in trans kids), which is conversion therapy
  • they support gatekeeping and pathologizing to the point of suffering and making support inaccessible
  • want us removed from public life and to go stealth, if not end our lives

The wider context though stems beyond trans people. The ultimate aim is to restrict the way women can present and enforce a binary, outdated form of presentation for women and nonbinary people. It is feminism in name only. In reality, it is far-right conservative hate speech that functions like a cult. It is very much in the same way that the far-right have indoctrinated MAGA supporters and Brexiteer gammon into supporting hate.

Many cisgender people do not realise this. Terfs use dog whistles and concern trolling, they harass and doxx people who call them out and threaten them with legal action. They frame the rights for trans people to exist as a “debate” even though they don’t want a discussion; they want to spread hate. Their “debate” in the UK – alongside a complicit and bigoted media – has derailed the Gender Recognition Act reforms and turned a simple administrative change into a fake culture war.

Heck, even J K Rowling’s new book coming out in the near future used many of the transphobic tropes outlined above as part of the murderer’s character. Namely, this fictional murderer is a cis man who dresses as a woman to target and kill cis women. This was published under her pen name Robert Galbraith. Fortunately, the backlash for that has been swift and severe. Rowling and other terfs have threatened libel suits to force trans people into silence and not call out this harm. This is the suffering these bigots want.

This reveal ruined the stream

Frankly, the reveal ruined the whole stream for me and no doubt many others too. It speaks volumes that Sony and Warner Bros. believed platforming a J K Rowling IP during a significant event was a good idea. This shits on the diverse gaming community, including trans people, is. This distresses their trans viewers as well as allies. I had expected this reveal at some point as it had been rumoured for months. However, I had not expected it during such a significant stream. Additionally, the queer adventure game Goodbye Volcano High was revealed at a PS5 digital event just a few months earlier., which is what makes it hurt a lot more. Do Sony actually care about LGBTQ+ rights or not?

It’s very insensitive considering the harm Rowling is doing and shows either they are clueless about this reality – or they don’t care and want to increase sales. They know many gamers do not have principles and will often buy things they got outraged at during reveals when they come out. As it is, many people online have been like “Oh I don’t like what Rowling has done, but I still want to buy this Harry Potter game.” However, the consequences of this go far beyond video games. 

Transphobia has fatal consequences

This is a classic example of why you cannot separate the art from the artist. You cannot separate transgender people from human diversity. They are innately linked, and there’s nothing anybody can do to change this reality. But until the world accepts this, trans people have to deal with a constant risk of being murdered no matter where they are in the world – especially black trans women. Trans people, in particular, are more likely to be in poverty, unemployed and have comorbid mental illnesses due to transphobia. We often cannot defend ourselves from this due to lack of money or poor mental health. Despite what bigots say, love will eventually win.

But the more harmful figures like Rowling are platformed, this progress is reversible, especially when people become manipulated into supporting fascism. The Nazi government in Germany did this back in the 1930s, by burning books and libraries from the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (aka Institute of Sex Research). This library containing decades of LGBT positive research and is one reason why trans healthcare is decades behind where it should be. Yes, literal book burning. And to think many right wingers like to claim the left are “book-burning Nazis.”

Don’t buy the game

I understand how a lot of people – especially those my age and younger – have a lot of nostalgia for the Harry Potter series and are inclined to support the game. And this is a perfectly valid inclination. However, Rowling will likely make royalties off it (even though she is not involved) she doesn’t need or deserve.

Therefore myself, much like the politically active trans community as a whole, urge you not to support this game. Do not buy it. Do not give Rowling or this publisher a penny. I say publisher because in practice the developers won’t make bank off it thanks to capitalism and lack of unionisation, which is an issue across gaming. Buying a copy of Hogwarts: Legacy supports a billionaire who is using her platform and influence to spread hate speech to rollback trans rights. Even if it’s “just a game.” Money talks, especially those who already have wealth.

If you really want to play it, wait until after launch day to pick it up pre-owned. That way, only the seller of the second hand game gets the money. And don’t go round bragging about it on social media or in collection videos, instead keep it quiet that you have it and are playing it. Because trans people and allies will notice and start to doubt that you genuinely have their back and this will be very distressing.

One of my favourite pastimes are video game collection videos and I fear being unable to watch PS4 / PS5 / Xbox One / Xbox Series X videos now knowing it’s possible that game could come up and the person buying it sees no issue supporting a transphobe. For transgender people, our rights to exist is literally a matter of life and death thanks to transphobic cis people. Don’t remind us of that through supporting this video game, a medium popular with trans people.

How you can help: 

I know being an ally can be difficult for cis people to do as they don’t know what to do so that I will help. 

  • Firstly, buy the game second hand if you can’t bear skipping it as mentioned earlier. Otherwise, skip it. Same goes for all other Harry Potter products. 
  • Educate yourselves on trans people and our lived experiences. There are many of us out there. I’ve included some links at the end of this post to help. 
  • Give us money to access healthcare, housing and mental health support. Give us well-paid jobs. Discrimination is still rampant against trans folk. Many of us have to crowdfund to access private healthcare because public healthcare routes are unfit for purpose.
  • Support our content if we are self-employed as many of us have to go self employed in order to work.
  • Boost our voices. Sharing content written by trans people like this one is a great place to start. 
  • Get political. Call out the bigots around you. Assume good faith, but if they turn hostile, don’t be afraid to call them out. Fill in consultations and write to elected ministers about transgender issues. Go to protests if you can access them. 

Anyway, that’s me out. This whole thing is very distressing for me, so for the time being, self-care is needed. With all this said, I am so glad this game is not coming to the Nintendo Switch (my preferred and most accessible gaming platform this gen).

Milla x 

Further Reading: 

Here is an article by Katelyn Burns, explaining how gender critical feminism has risen in prominence

Here is a short essay by Katy Montgomerie, that unpicks Rowling’s arguments and why they are transphobic (a much longer, more thorough breakdown is available elsewhere on her Medium blog)

In the UK, the anti-trans situation has gotten so bad many trans people here are planning to leave the country

One example of J K Rowling threatening a smaller organisation with legal action for calling out her bigotry 

The Wikipedia page for the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, the private sexology research facility where the Nazis burnt the books in 1933 (trigger warning for images of Nazis and book burning)

Even the developers themselves anticipated this mess as they were feeling uneasy before it was revealed

Unrelated to the above external reading links, I recently set up a crowd funder to help kickstart my medical transition privately. Please consider donating to it if you have something to spare. You can view it here. If not, no worries. Thank you so much for reading! 

The Employment Dilemma for Trans + Disabled People

Featured image description: The default featured image for Trans Autistic Feminist blogposts, with a pink background on the left and blog logo on the right. The white text on the left says the blog title “The Employment Dilemma for Trans + Disabled People”.

Content warning: ableism, transphobia, masking, ABA mention

Hi all, 

I’ve had a lot to process regarding employment as of late, so I will be writing a bit about what’s on my mind so other people can understand the dilemmas of disabled and/or trans people entering employment. Despite having the time and willpower to work, it’s a lot easier said than done. 

As a disabled person, I have to ensure whatever career move I take next is suitable for me. While I’m not sure of the exact area I want to work in, I am pretty open to anything as long as it’s accessible for me. So, in other words, an office job I can do from home at least part-time and where I don’t have to talk to people much.

Note that the disability angle will mainly focus on autism as that is my lived experience, but there will be a lot of overlap with other disabilities and mental illnesses.

To disclose or not to disclose? 

This is the first issue. This question can be broken down even more to the following sub-questions:

  • Is the workplace safe to be openly trans and/or autistic?
  • How much does somebody have to disclose to employers to be able to work the job? 
  • How much is OK to share in general? 

More specifically, when it comes to disability, the main issue is accommodations. The more somebody can conceal their support needs, the fewer problems at work they may have to deal with (including being fired and/or not hired). This can also include coping with trauma and mental health triggers, which will often have negative consequences for the person’s career – even if they don’t harm anyone. 

A lot of disabled people hide their disabilities from employers as a result and advise others do the same – as employers can quickly get away with being ableist, despite initiatives. For example, the UK’s Disability Confident scheme is widely discredited in the disability community, partially because the guarantee of an interview to all disabled people who meet the criteria isn’t enforced. Additionally, all a company has to do if they don’t want to hire a disabled person is to claim that “they’ve found somebody who is a better cultural fit” and move on. 

If a disabled person does try to hold their employer to account – whether during recruitment or unfair dismissal – the odds are stacked against them. This is partially due to a lack of legal aid, but also because it risks them being blacklisted from other firms. Employers don’t want people that they think would cause them hassle, and sharing too much is not a good idea, as it can be used against them later. 

Of course, hiding disabilities is only really possible for those with invisible disabilities – as, for people with visible disabilities who need aids, this isn’t an option for them. 

Work relationships vs personal relationships boundaries: 

This is something else I have also struggled to understand. What is appropriate for what relationship? When is it OK to move people from colleagues to friends? How do you deal with social media? What is “professionalism?” 

There are no fixed rules regarding this that people follow aside from vague generalisations that depend on culture and industry contexts. There are also general business expectations of behaviour (like relying on Outlook) that employees are expected to instinctively pick up, which is impossible for any autistic people to do (I will return to this later). 

The other expectation is for people that can act as neurotypical as possible (aka so they see you as pleasant and can collaborate with them). All of this can be very difficult for autistic people to pick up. Likewise, things like networking and people to avoid working with are usually found out via the grapevine (especially for abusers). The grapevine is something autistic people find difficult to access. I started to learn some of these things myself before being let go from my last internship, even though a lot of this stuff (in hindsight) feels like things all autistic people should directly be told years before starting work. 

I say this from the perspective of somebody who has unintentionally self-sabotaged career opportunities due to not knowing social rules or accidentally blundering when trying to talk to people regarding work opportunities. The fear I have about this is that I feel I risk being blacklisted by others on ableist grounds then not finding out why until many months later – if at all. Even then, once a person or organisation is blacklisted, it’s very likely the blacklisting will not be reversed for years if at all as there is often no chance of appeal. 

Yet, nobody has ever been able to offer advice for dealing with this, so the only conclusion I could think of is to strictly partition work relationships from personal relationships unless certain circumstances mean it’s a good idea to cross them over. For example, if a personal friend helps someone get a job, they start a business venture together, or somebody makes a genuine friend at work that they get along with over a sustained period. This includes social media.

The minefield of inclusivity 

While there are genuinely inclusive and supportive employers out there, the reality is that it is a minefield and often the most challenging part of employment is sustaining it, not getting it. There is no real way for disabled employees to know which employers genuinely care about inclusivity and diversity – or only get the credentials for PR purposes (such as the very organisers of the Disability Confident scheme themselves). Hence, many disabled people go freelance and/or unemployed, so they can work while also accommodating their support needs as best as they can. 

A lot of inclusivity issues also stem from not understanding how mainstream office culture can cause problems for autistic people. For example, I saw this article today (“Will young workers be the victims of the decline in the office?” 13/09/2020) in The Independent, which discusses whether young people will be the victims of the declining office. It’s an article that argues yes, but completely omits the experiences of disabled adults. 

One example is the following belief, something that is impossible for many autistic and other neurodivergent people to do without direct communication: 

“There are also lots of benefits to informal interaction – something a prearranged video call cannot replicate,” he says, pointing to the ability of new employees in an office to directly observe how colleagues behave, pick up important information, absorb the unwritten rules of the organisation and even its ethical values.” 

Another example is this, something that can lead to discrimination towards women and marginalised groups in the right environment, as well as forcing out disabled people who cannot participate in office politics or social culture.

“Gosling is more concerned about the challenge of retaining the benefits from the social aspects of traditional office life – the gossip, the chats, the collective visits to the pub.” 

In essence, the inaccessibility and deeply rooted ableism in office life already claimed tens of millions of disabled people at some point.

In a way, getting a career going forward will now be more accessible thanks to neurotypicals finally understanding the benefits of working from home. This was thanks to a pandemic, even though they should have listened to disabled people years ago.

Personally, I am incredibly thrilled office culture will never be the same again and is declining. Hence employment will now be easier for neurodivergent people to access. However, employers need to understand they must not force neurotypical abled standards on employees. They still need to listen to disabled people. I am happy to help people I’d work with down the line to a point, but a lot of it is on them. And not knowing what the reaction will be till I’m in the role is a massive source of anxiety. 

Here is an article I wrote back in April 2020 about COVID-19, home working and ableism. 

To go stealth or not go stealth? 

The other issue that is noticeable for trans people is about transitioning and how to balance that around employers. A lot of trans people often prepare to change jobs when they come out, so future employers aren’t aware that they have a trans employee. Many trans people also aren’t able to work as a result of untreated dysphoria and/or transphobia from employers, thus are stuck in the trap of not having the money required to transition. 

Hence, many trans people choose to be stealth at work – especially those with passing privilege – for their own safety and so they can get the money to transition. When it comes to medical appointments and other transition-related care, they may choose to lie or omit information about why they need time off. They may also not speak about their personal lives much to avoid outing themselves by mistake. 

There is also the whole issue regarding surgery and taking time off for that, though I don’t know enough about this to discuss that here.

Additionally, there are two legal barriers in the UK regarding transgender employees I’d like to highlight as they are also factoring into my thinking (and will also be variants of this issue worldwide): 

No GRC means trans people in the UK have to out themselves to HR 

This is because of two reasons: 

Firstly, if a trans person hasn’t updated their documents or they are coming out at their current job, their team will know. This includes HR and other staff who see misgendered/deadnamed documents as part of ID verification. Passport/driving licenses are what is asked at interviews, and this can be updated with each respective office using a different process. This doesn’t mean a trans person won’t be outed to their employer, though. 

This is because the legal gender at HMRC can only be changed with a gender recognition certificate, and there is nothing a trans person without a GRC and/or unable to get one can do. At my last job, when I had to fill in a form for my employer to log my info into HMRC with, I initially put down F because that’s who I am. LI later got summoned to HR, and they told me that they had to change the gender marker to M as my F marker doesn’t match what is on the database. Hence, I had to change it back so it could be submitted to HMRC so I could get paid. It was demoralising for me, but my employer knew I am trans already and was discreet about it, so no harm was done in my case. But that isn’t the case for everyone. 

This is a problem that all trans people in the UK face unless they get a GRC, which is one of many reasons there were calls to reform the GRA (where have we heard this before?). 

No GRC means trans people starting their own companies is also risky 

Yes, there is a loophole with self-employment too. The following applies to trans people who start their own company and become a company director or majority shareholder (referred to in UK law as “People with Significant Control”). This is because the current procedures mean trans people legally have to be outed by Companies House upon request due to an obscure legal loophole. This is explained by the following quote from page 59 of the 2019 Corporate Transparency and Register Reform consultation document

“The Companies Act 2006 requires any change of a director’s name to be notified to Companies House and made publicly available on the register. This also applies to [People with Significant Control] (PSC). This includes cases where the person’s name changes as a result of a change in gender. Section 22 of the Gender Recognition Act 2004 makes it an offence to disclose information about the gender history of transgender people who have legally changed their gender through obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) where this information has been acquired in an official capacity. However, section 22(4)(j) provides an exemption where the disclosure is made under another enactment. Companies House is exempt from this general prohibition because it makes information public in accordance with the Companies Act 2006.” 

One of the many proposed reforms in the 2019 Corporate Transparency and Register Reform that would allow trans directors and PSCs to apply to have their name hidden. But as of September 2020, the consultation still hasn’t had its results released. Sounds familiar, even though this is the only mention in the entire document. The loophole around this is to become a sole trader, although this does bring the risk of unlimited liability. Which in the world where anti-trans bigots threaten to sue people who call them out often forces trans folk into silence. 

Additionally, for transgender people who are in work, many also intend to pass as cis as part of maintaining a working relationship. Because while cis men do not take cis women and cis passing trans people seriously, they take non-cis passing trans people even less seriously.

Hence this is a scenario where the transgender concept of passing and the autism concept of masking overlap – and both of these issues will take its toll on trans and autistic employees. I also wrote about this ages ago, here is a relevant extract. Note that body language and presentation are two things considered very important in the world of work, and women have it particularly hard. The world of work – without relevant adjustments – also enforces the narrative mentioned in the last paragraph.

Firstly, with being autistic I am not always aware how I come across. So, if my body language doesn’t appear feminine, I likely have no idea that’s the case. Furthermore, even when I try to present feminine it will be very hard to maintain the image as I fundamentally can’t mask.

Additionally, executive dysfunction may also get in the way which may make daily feminine tasks difficult, such as doing makeup to cover up facial hair and shaving body hair. Plus, I have seen cis autistic women that find it difficult to meet these standards or choose not to. It would be very unfair on them to be judged by these same arbitrary standards. 

However, I then realised how much this is similar to masking – and how there is still the widespread ableist assumption that autistic people need to mask to be accepted in wider society. I have talked about this before. We see this pervasive attitude in wider culture and through how ABA is being forced on autistic children from a young age in an attempt to “normalise” them with no regard for their mental wellbeing. 

And the reason why both passing and masking are problematic is because they blame the autistic trans person for their own differences. Basically, the narrative says that both autistic people and trans people alike (regardless of whether they are both autistic and trans) aren’t good enough as they are. In other words, the narrative says they are not who they identify as, they are what other people decide they are.

My personal, less objective, conclusion

The conclusions I’ve tentatively come to is that it is very tempting to conceal my gender and disability-related support needs as much as possible. I don’t like the thought of having to go stealth at work about these aside from: 

  • HMRC stuff as outlined above 
  • Any time off requests for medical transition appointments 
  • accommodations that aren’t vital for the job 
  • Anything else that my employer needs to know and that I can’t get away with not disclosing. 

Bear in mind much of this stems from avoidable trauma I got from people I have disclosed and been open to. And frankly, I do not have the energy to deal with that going forward, despite the thick skin I developed from it. While I am moving on and slowly mitigating the trauma, trying to mitigate further harm and obstacles is very important to me. However, I am hoping that as time goes by I will feel more able to take the risk of disclosing my needs again and being open like before (but not too open as oversharing is also something I did at my last role).

I know that masking in work like that would likely be very damaging for me as it is for many autistic people, and being myself is vital for motivation. I love who I am and am proud of myself and everything I have achieved, and I shouldn’t have to hide that. 

In hindsight, I overshared at my last role about said issues – again, partially due to trauma and disassociation – which may have factored in being let go. I am grateful to my previous employer for treating me as well as they did because I could have been treated a lot worse. 

I am still contemplating self-employment. As much as I’d like to be self-employed, that could take years to become sustainable enough to migrate, so I may end up having to do a Masters just to help me get out of England. Which in all honesty isn’t a good enough reason by itself, but depending on what I do may be useful in other ways too. Fortunately, I am open to pretty much anything work-wise I can do.  

Regardless of what I decide to do, I just want to get this employment dilemma worked out and mastered so I can medically transition, get my life stabilised and get out of this country for good. I don’t regret being open to the extent I was – and I’m glad I was as it was the right thing to do at the time.

The more objective conclusion

In short, there are a lot of structural barriers to work that have been touched on in this piece. Some of them can be helped by the world of work – to any employers reading this, please listen to your disabled staff and work to make your workplace genuinely inclusive. Please do not follow the same mindset like the person from the Independent article. Please allow form policies allowing trans people to take the time off they need for essential appointments, and do not allow transphobia to take hold in your organisation.

Hopefully, anybody who has taken the time to read this now understands many of the systematic barriers that trans and/or disabled people face regarding re-entering employment. Despite my personal anxieties, I am confident I can find a way forward, and I believe I’ll be in a much better position next year. 

Milla xx 

PS I recently set up a crowd funder to help kickstart my medical transition privately. Please consider donating to it if you have something to spare. You can view it here. If not, no worries. Thank you so much for reading! 

Empowerment Affirmations

Featured image description: White text on a pink background that says: “Empowerment Affirmations.” On the right is the a logo for the blog ,”Trans Autistic Feminist” (a gold neurodiversity helix on a black trans symbol) with the blog name in purple.

Content warning for: mentions of various kinds of abuse, ableism, death

Hi all,

Today I’m going to discuss empowerment in the context of surviving and recovering from abuse, in an affirmative context. This is something I had initially written a while ago, but recently refined. I hope this may be useful to others.

What is empowerment? 

It’s about asserting autonomy. 

It’s stating that you are an adult and you have the right to full control of your life. 

It’s about controlling who is in your trusted circle – and what information you share with whom. 

It’s about building self-confidence – whether from scratch or picking up the pieces that they shattered. 

It’s telling yourself that you matter and are worth so much more than what they thought of you. 

It’s about not putting up with people’s bullshit. 

No, you don’t have to put up with toxic people “for the good of the family,” “because he’s your blood relative” or “you have no other choice.” 

No, you don’t have to get back in contact with any toxic people after you leave “for the good of the family,” “because they’re your [insert relative here]” or “you have no other choice.” 

No, you don’t have to put up with anyone trying to gaslight you about things you know happened to you because “oh they didn’t mean it like that,” “boys will be boys” or “that can’t have actually happened.” 

No, you don’t have to debate your existence to anyone who thinks there are “two sides” to discussions around human rights or harmful therapies or cures. These people do not have your best interests at heart. 

No, you don’t have to engage anyone who makes you feel unsafe in any form. The fear of the unknown is scary – but being in a familiar environment that threatens your life daily will kill you. 

Empowerment is rectifying the mistakes made by said toxic relatives and organisations. 

Said relatives and institutions failed to teach you important things, instead leaving you with perfectly avoidable trauma – that is not your fault. 

These relatives likely had low expectations of you often on bigoted grounds or they just wanted to control you. 

The reasons don’t matter – even if you know what they are or only in part, because getting full conclusions is often not possible. Reasons will not change the reality. 

So, if it means learning independent living skills later than your peers, that is absolutely fine. 

If it means taking longer to learn what authentic relationships are, that is absolutely fine. 

If it means taking longer to learn employability skills or not being able to work at all, that is absolutely fine too. 

No, it doesn’t mean you have to “go to the police!” or get any form of legal/social repercussions for anything they did. 

Not only will it likely not be worth it due to the police systematically being biased against anyone who isn’t a cis white man, but you know the truth. 

You also know people who have been through similar experiences or other genuine friends will support you. 

Empowerment is saying to those that failed you that you are better than them. 

That’s not being arrogant – it’s stating reality. Taking steps to better your life and shatter their expectations even if just for your own benefit is one of the best things you can do in response. 

Empowerment is understanding what support you need and getting help on your terms. You likely won’t get where you want to be without some help, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept help from just anyone. 

It’s better to be selective and ensure you get the right help for you, rather than accept anything that is unsuitable – often the first thing offered. This is especially the case for marginalised groups. 

For genuine things that you know you genuinely can’t do, it’s your right to choose who helps you do these. This is so you can ensure they have your best interests at heart and trust is maintained. 

You don’t have to accept help from your abusers. 

You don’t have to accept help from predatory organisations that will fail to meet your needs – if not complicate them. 

You don’t have to accept help from anyone else you otherwise do not trust. 

Empowerment is about becoming yourself – who you deeply are inside. 

Whether that includes transitioning gender or following a deep passion no matter how obscure, the best person you can be is yourself. 

So long as it you don’t harm others, people will support you. 

Of course, sometimes refusal isn’t always possible for various reasons – but it damn well should be. And someday, you will be able to refuse and empower yourself.

Empowerment is about controlling your narrative. 

It is understandable that you repress who you are around dangerous people – that says nothing about you but a lot about them. 

You can tell people as much or as little as you like about what happened. 

Sometimes being open and outspoken about the need for change is right for you. If not, that is OK. 

Sometimes processing the trauma privately and not speaking much about it going forward may also be right for you. 

This also extends to when they are on their deathbed. You don’t need to go back and see them one more time to “make amends.” You don’t even need to write about them indirectly. 

When said people die, you can speak ill of them as much as you like. You aren’t obliged to pander to the idea of “not speaking ill of the dead” to make others feel comfortable. 

They harmed you and you have every right to tell your story. You owe them absolutely nothing.

This also applies if they themselves are a survivor too.

This means they have to realize themselves the damage they’ve done as a result of their trauma and take steps to fix it.

They may take steps to redeem themselves as much as possible, but ultimately nothing will undo the harm they’ve done to you (and anyone else they’ve harmed you may not be aware of).

It’s ok to be sympathetic towards them if that’s how you feel – trauma is complicated.

But you can keep them out of your life for any reason – including that no contact may be the only way to be free of their harm.

Again, you owe them absolutely nothing. Abusers who are genuinely remorseful will understand that they have to live with the consequences of what they’ve done.

This includes parents, romantic partners and other close family and/or friends.

You are empowered and have a long, fulfilling life ahead.

Kind regards, 

Milla xx 

P.S. I recently set up a crowdfunder so I can start my medical transition privately. Please consider donating to it if you have something to spare. You can view it here. If not, no worries. Thank you so much for reading!